ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
