Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
