The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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