I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
