Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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