he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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