ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
