my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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