Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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