I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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