I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
