Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
