Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
