I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
