If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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