I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
