Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
