the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
