He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
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you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
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I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend