I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
