and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
