I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
