I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
