the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
