You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
