i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We need to get me chipped asap
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
