Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
