Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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