kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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