no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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