When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
