i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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