The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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