its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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