And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You can't motorboat a personality
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
