Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
