I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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