currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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