My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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