My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
