She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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