FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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