Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
