I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
