I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
