I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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