You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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