I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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