I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
