last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
