Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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