70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
