so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
