weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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