I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
