whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
