I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
