I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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