Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
