So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
