Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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