Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
